It's been 42 days since I was released. Last week I went on a trip to Cancun that was planned months before I got sick, and that was nonrefundable. My boyfriend and our two kids had been so excited about it for so long, and after all we went through when I got GBS in early February, it seemed like an overdue bit of fun.
Being there was not what I expected. Traveling was exhausting, the resort was huge so even just walking to the lobby wiped me out. I couldn't float in the pool, my legs were like anchors. Daily life is hard for me, and I prepared myself for vacation to be hard in the same way. But it wasn't. It was impossible. In hindsight I realize that I envisioned going on vacation to be a way to take a break from it all - including my recovery. But, of course, good ol' GBS came right along with me. I realize now how silly it was to think that. I couldn't walk in the sand because I would lose my balance. I couldn't keep up with the kids who were bouncing off the walls with excitement and energy. I couldn't enjoy any nightlife because my tired body demanded that I be in bed by 9pm and take naps every day. I was on the same schedule as my 2 year old.
We got through it, and after seven days there I am back home in New Jersey and I can barely walk. It's a struggle and I need my cane to get around my own home, I am struggling to do simple things like stand up from being seated on the couch. I tried to take it easy, but traveling exhausted me and now I am in constant fear that I pushed it too hard and am at the beginning of a relapse.
Relapsing is constantly in the back of my mind and I don't know how to battle that. I think I should just accept the fact that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I'm powerless against it - like I should somehow find it comforting... I don't know. I'm at a loss. I'm always frustrated by what I can't do and I'm always fearful that it's all going to start over and I'll be back in the hospital for weeks again. It's so hard to be told that no one can give me a timeline or an idea of what to expect because every body is different. Again - more frustration. I just don't know.